translating the poetry of Gen. 1:27

Gen. 1:27 is one of the most beautiful and seminal pieces of poetry in the Hebrew Bible. Yesterday I was asked by the ISV team to review its translation of the beginning chapters of Genesis. I want to share my comments to them on Gen. 1:27 with you. But first, let's see the Hebrew and several other translations of it:

כז וַיִּבְרָא אֱלֹהִים אֶת-הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ,
בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים בָּרָא אֹתוֹ: זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה,
בָּרָא אֹתָם

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them. (ESV)

So God created man in His own image;
He created him in the image of God;
He created them male and female. (HCSB)

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them. (NIV)

So God created human beings in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them. (TNIV)

God created human beings in his own image;
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them. (REB)

God created humankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them,
male and female he created them. (NET)

So God created human beings, making them to be like himself. He created them male and female (TEV/GNB)

So God created human beings* in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them. (NLT)

So God created humans in his image.
In the image of God he created them.
He created them male and female. (GW)

So God created human beings in his own image:
in the image of God did he create them,
male and female he created them. (ISV)

I emailed the ISV team:

This, of course, is Hebraic parallel poetry where the second line [basically] repeats the first line. English poetry is different so we are faced with that translation treason dilemma again. I happen to like the TEV solution, where the Hebraic synonymous elements are spread between the two [clauses] so that the second [clause] is worded differently enough from the first that they sound different, which English requires, except where we repeat poetic lines verbatim in English, which is a different kind of form.

Let's see if I can think of a revision suggestion similar to the TEV wording, which can still be as close to the Hebrew form as possible without distorting English form:

So God created human beings:
in his own image he created them,
male and female he created them. (LUV*)

Yes, that would work for me. Notice that it does not repeat the name God in the second line which is poor English style. It includes each semantic element. I retained your Hebraic word order as much as possible, because I think we can still understand it almost as well in English as more natural English word order. For variety, "made" could substitute for "created" in the second line.

Perhaps I should elaborate just a bit on what I said about English poetry:

I happen to like the TEV solution, where the Hebraic synonymous elements are spread between the two [clauses] so that the second [clause] is worded differently enough from the first that they sound different, which English requires, except where we repeat poetic lines verbatim in English, which is a different kind of form.

What I mean here is that English speakers interpret synonymous elements of adjoining lines differently from how speakers of Biblical Hebrew interpreted those same elements. The reason for the difference has to do with differences between English and Hebrew with reference to their syntax and semantics. For instance, I, as an English speaker, hear "in the image" as being redundant repetition from the first to the second line. Hebrew speakers, however, hear the "redundancy" as part of the beauty of their parallel poetry. As an English speaker, I hear the second instance of "God" and want to interpret it as referring to a different god from the one mentioned in the first line. In English, to create the lexical cohesion between "God" of the first line and "God" of the second line, we pronominalize the second instance. The English pronoun "he" in the second line enables us to know clearly that we are continuing to speak about the same God. In Hebrew it is perfectly fine to repeat the word for a referent in the second line and it will be understood to refer to the same entity.

And now your comments are invited.

Shabbat shalom.

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* LUV = Leman Universal Version :-)